I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
