? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We left the knife in your bed.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
