Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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