I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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