My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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