i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
