Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
