I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
if only i could text you this smell
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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