So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
