1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
look no pants
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
