i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
