take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
