sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
