i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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