I'm going to rape someone's good day.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
