tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
and she was petting her beer can
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
