I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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