My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
