so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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