Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
