I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
