i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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