just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
