i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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