My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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