It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
