How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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