Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
