Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
