Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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