my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
