my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
