I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
