Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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