Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
high people should be assigned attendants
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
