i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
