Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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