one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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