You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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