if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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