he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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