thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
