I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
