mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
