I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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