I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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