Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
