My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i think my mom watched the whole time
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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