Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
