He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
